Let me start by saying this semester has been “trying”, yet a culmination of God’s plan for my life. At the end of my Freshman year, I found myself extremely depressed and I recently found myself in a similar depression. This time it wasn’t because I didn’t know my key signatures, or a teacher made me cry. It was because I started to romanticize this idea of “not being good enough”. I started just going through the motions. I would attend class but not be there. I would go to work and send the best representation of myself. I just didn’t feel good, and to top it off, I got pneumonia. The crazy thing is, I knew I was sick. I felt extremely sleepy and sluggish for weeks, then I thought I had a cold which obviously wasn’t a cold. The doctor called to tell me, and the first thing I asked was, “I don’t have to miss school, do I ?” after a long pause, He said, “you should probably rest for the week”. Rest? I can’t rest. I have a recital, I have tone rows to memorize, I have AURAL SKILLS. (Lord knows I can’t miss aural skills) After an argument with my mom, It was final. I was going home for a week.
To be honest, once I got there I was content. All my worries seemed to disappear, and then something happened. I didn’t want to come back. I didn’t want to come back to “not being good enough”. I was so serious because between my deep moments of unconsciousness this thought would reoccur. I can’t be “bad” at music school if I just don’t go back. However, my mom said I would have to support myself, so I quickly packed my bags and got in the car.
When I got back I felt worst! I think being an okay singer is the only thing I have going for me sometimes, and I couldn’t even do that. It was difficult to produce sound. The amount of energy it took me to get to class was ridiculous. My voice lessons are the best part of my week, but those weren’t going well. I felt awful… and lonely. I wasn’t physically alone, but very lonely.
After I stopped throwing a pity party, it clicked. These are the moments I’ve waited for. The fact that I have a recital is still amazing to me. I’m in Aural Skills IV, I never thought I would make it through I. I’m a music ambassador? I never thought I could meet the GPA requirement. I won a pageant? People said I didn’t speak well. I could go on and on, but I am thankful. The miracle of gratitude is that it shifts your perception to such an extent that it changes the world you see.
I frequently perform at nursing homes, and those experiences often humble me. In those times I realize it’s not about me. No one cares if I’m flat, or if I play wrong notes. It’s about my pure intentions. I go there to share my gift and bring enjoyment. That’s what I’ve been missing. I love music, and I haven’t been enjoying it! When I sang my first solo at 6 years old in church, I knew I could do this for the rest of my life. Lately, I have been working on getting that pure joy back. (and my recital music haha)
My worth is not in my GPA, people’s opinions, or even my opinions. It is in God. I am good because HE is good. Thanks for tuning in, until next time. Oh, my recital is April 22nd.
Carlehr Swanson 