It’s been a year since my grandmother passed away, and it still feels like yesterday. If I close my eyes long enough, the emotions I felt in that exact moment come rushing back. Things aren’t supposed to be this way. My grandmother should be attending my performances at school, and telling me I’m the best performer. I should be calling her telling her how hard school is, and she should be babying me, whilst offering the option of “Honey, you can always come home”. Even though coming home isn’t an option, it’s good to hear someone suggest it haha. Honestly, I just want her here! The things I miss are far simpler than one could imagine… The way I would lay in her bed and she would rub my head, hearing her clap off-beat in church, or just smelling her!
Some people are way into their twenties before life hits them, however, life hit me with a tractor-trailer (a bulldozer maybe) before my 18th birthday. When my grandmother’s Alzheimer’s was developing my Aunt stepped into her role. She attended my performances, picked me up from school, we talked throughout the week, and best of all she made me banana pudding. Shortly, my aunt died from Leukemia. I’ll never forget the day or the time I spent in the hospital because it was during Hurricane Sandy, however, the storm was the least of my worries….
A year later my uncle died, and a couple of months later my grandmother died. Her kids were so divided over her earthly possessions and such, that they didn’t come when doctors said she wouldn’t make it through the weekend. That upsets me. My whole family dynamic changed at a time when I was going through the biggest change of my life…. college. Kids my age will never understand me, unless, they’ve had a similar experience. Most people I know barely know their grandparents. What this experience has taught me is that It’s just not that serious…. That’s my philosophy. That party is not that serious, that boy is not that serious, and I had to find out… that class you’re struggling in is not that serious… It’s just not. I’m not saying don’t take things seriously, but we often beat ourselves up on problems that are irrelevant in the scheme of life. The crazy thing is, nothing in this world is ours… Someone can take it!!! Your job, car, house, or even your man haha. So why don’t we spend time acquiring things that are intangible? Education, talents, JESUS! Your car doesn’t get you through when your grandmother dies.
My grandmother taught me many life lessons, some of which I’m still deciphering. However, she left me with the most important tool. Prayer! Even though she’s not physically here, I can always call her long distance. My grandmother and I didn’t have a typical relationship. She let me play loud music, slide down her steps, and we played catch together. Now you know… old people don’t let you play in their house. Every Friday I stayed at her house while my mom worked, and she would let me stay up late and we’d share ginger snaps (or vanilla wafers) and ginger ale. We went downtown on the bus together on Saturday’s. Church on Sunday’s. Whenever I was sick and stayed home from school I went to her house. She would put me in one of her nightgowns, and put onions in my sock to lower the fever. (IDK.. it worked tho) She’s the reason I have great public speaking skills. She made me call all her friends even the ones I didn’t know. She’s the reason I drink coffee like water. She’s the reason I listen to the Canton Spirituals. She’s the reason why I have no gray area. Either we like you.. or we don’t. She taught me to smile bright, even when life is trying to dim your light. Even though life is hard right now, I smile because that’s what she did when things were hard.
Carlehr Swanson 